Ummm...WTF?

Now, let me get this straight: This economic crisis is so great that John McCain has to be in Washington on Friday night, and can't make it to the debate. And he wants to do a make-up debate that will occur instead of the vice-presidential debate.

A little history, Senator McCain. Abraham Lincoln ran a campaign for president during the Civil War. There were three elections during the Great Depression. There was an election during World War 2.

And this is more of a calamity than those three events?

First of all, who the hell will even be IN Washington at 9 p.m. on a Friday night? Are you kidding me? A third of the Senate is running for re-election. They will be out campaigning.

Second of all, you haven't voted on anything in 5 months. People losing their houses, you're out campaigning. People going broke trying to pay for gas, you're out campaigning. People losing their jobs, unemployment rising, you're out campaigning. A bunch of your Wall Street supporters in danger of losing a whole lot of their money, well, Katy bar the door, NOW there is a problem, and you're going to go to D.C. to solve it.

There is a word for this, Senator. I'll be polite and make it 2 words: Bovine excrement.

There is, of course, a simple solution to this dilemma. If it is absolutely imperative for you to deal with a crisis, then do what any President would do: send in the V.P. as a surrogate. After all, Sarah Palin is fully vetted, and fully qualified to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency. Who better to speak on John McCain's behalf than his running mate? She doesn't have to be in Washington. In fact, there would be nothing for her to do there. So she can fill in for you, Senator McCain.

Sure she can.

Senator McCain, and all your supporters, answer me this: How is it that you can stand up to the North Vietnamese, but you can't bear to face Jim Lehrer...of PBS? How is it that Senator Obama, who you claim is inexperienced and untested, and has no accomplishments in the Senate of which to speak, is too terrifying to debate? On the subject in which you claim to have the greatest expertise? This should be a cakewalk for you, Senator, if all of what you say is true.

Unbelievable. "Elect us to lead you. We don't need to answer any questions or talk to the press."

Now on to something even more laughable: The rumor that Obama is not legally qualified to be President because he was actually born in Kenya, and his mom flew him to Hawaii right after his birth to get a fake birth certificate.

In order for that to be true, Mrs. Obama would have had to know that her son wanted to one day be President of the United States. Yeah, that was a pretty plausible supposition in 1961, when many blacks couldn't even legally vote. Barack would of course automatically be a US citizen no matter where he was born. He just wouldn't be able to run for President if he were born in Kenya.

Now, let's take a look at the logistics of travel in 1961. If Mrs' Obama had been lucky, she might have been able to fly on a Boeing 707, with a top speed of about 530 knots. if she got on a Lockheed Constellation, the speed would have been about 250 knots at best. Given the amount of travel involved in flying between Kenya and Hawaii, she would have had to fly about 12,000 miles going east. Kenya was not exactly a major jet-set route, so the number of stops and layovers would have been daunting for a healthy woman traveling by herself.

And of course, she would have just given birth...ALWAYS a fun time in 1961. She would have been traveling with an infant. There were no Pampers in 1961, so she would have been dealing with cloth diapers. On the plane. In the airport. No wet-wipes then, either.

Ever traveled with a newborn on an airplane? They cry the entire time because they can't clear their ears. Now imagine that air travel takes 50% longer for a 707, probably 100% longer for a Lockheed Constellation, than what we are used to now.

And why go 12,000 miles to the east to go to Hawaii. when New York City would be much easier to get to, faster, more cheaply, at only about 5000 miles away?

Clearly, this cockamamie idea was hatched by a guy. A woman would have known that no woman would have put herself or her baby through that ordeal, even if she somehow had been able to divine that 48 years later, her child would be the Democratic nominee for President.

It's even dumber than the idea that Obama's middle name, Hussein, has something to do with Saddam Hussein. Who the hell had heard of Saddam Hussein in 1961? Hell, he was almost totally unknown in IRAQ in 1961, let alone Kenya or the U.S.

Yet there are people who give this crap credence. They believe that humans and dinosaurs coexisted, so why couldn't this happen? Oddly, the fact that there exists no birth certificate for John McCain doesn't faze them in the least.

But the fact that there is no birth certificate leads inescapably to one, and only one, conclusion: John McCain wasn't born on this planet. He is an alien from another galaxy. Which explains a lot.